The Weirdest Fanfic I Have Ever Read, Part 1

Oh boy! It's time to punch down on random people on the internet again. The other folk at Annoverse and I found a very, very tonally dissonant fanfiction for a children's cartoon with safety lessons. I really need y'all to read, understand, and heed the following instructions.

First things first.

Second:

Today's victim subject is a fanfiction.net entry called Seawatch, written by prwtfalcon6. It only has two chapters, but each of those chapters is 15,000 words long. Not all those words had to be there.

Background

This work attempts to fit into the world of Danger Rangers, a short-running cartoon that premiered on PBS Kids in 2005.¹ Danger Rangers was aimed at small children and their families. I can best describe it as essentially Rescue Heroes, but more educational, sillier, and with anthropomorphic animals for the cast.

I say sillier because there was an episode with baguette-wielding French ninjas employed by a poodle with the voice of Prowl from Transformers Animated.²

Part 1: Semper Paratus

We open with the most boring conversation ever recorded. Wait, no. We open on an author's note that tells us that this is a sequel to a crossover with Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue.

Oops, more background

To the untrained eye, a crossover with Lightspeed Rescue would make sense because the mecha and suits are themed after public safety. However, these Power Rangers are fighting literal demons from Hell. I would be hard-pressed to see a Danger Rangers episode where the title characters punch Beëlzebub in the face.

Following that we get the author reciting the creed of the United States Coast Guard. When we read this, we found it extremely pretentious and just another way to delay actually starting the story. Now we have the most boring conversation. Kitty, a pink cat, and Sully, a blue sea, are discussing their last names. The author implies that this is the first time anyone on this team has ever shared their last name with another member. Kitty's last name is a relatively normal one (Cattrall), while Sully is stuck with Sealford, of all things. They're also dating, which didn't happen in the original show but shippers be shipping. Sully's dad then calls and asks his son to visit him at Naval Base San Diego. At this moment, the reader begins to notice a headache coming on because every sentence is its own paragraph.

The Danger Rangers have magic access cards that'll work with the base's security, because that's what a bunch of glorified kid-friendly Ricky Rescues would have, I guess.

Chinga a tu madre

After Kitty and Sully redundantly agree to everything Sully's dad suggested, we go to the rec room of the Danger Ranger's headquarters. Gabriela³, a red bird of indeterminate species, and Squeeky, a blue rat, are trying to practice salsa dancing. Squeeky freaks out over potentially hurting Gabriela in a phonetically rendered New York accent (reducing the readability of his dialogue), and she reassures him using another of my biggest pet peeves in writing, Gratuitous Spanish. I'm just glad it was a full sentence and not a few isolated words.

By the way, we don't know what area of the world Gabriela comes from. Therefore, we can't actually check if her Spanish is idiomatic or not. It's only gonna get worse from here.

Kitty and Sully enter the room and restart the last name conversation. The other Rangers are horrified to learn that Kitty and Sully shared their names.⁴ The reader is horrified to see Sully use the word "rekindle" to talk about getting back in touch with his dad.⁵ We then learn the surnames of the other members of the team: Burble the polar bear is a Bearington, Burt the turtle is named...Turtal, Squeeky is cursed with the name Mousovani, and Gabriela lucks out with Rosales and an unknown second last name. There's another member but we'll get to him later.

Kitty and Sully tell the others about their trip to San Diego. They'll be packing immediately, and taking their field vehicles instead of taking a flight or train like the rest of us plebs.

SAVO, the computer that watches for incidents relating to the topic of the episode, expresses his disdain for Squeeky after Gabriela praises him. We get more Gratuitous Spanish when Squeeky yeets a hunk of cheese at SAVO's portable monitor. He says "Cabezas Arriba!" when "¡Épa!" is a better translation of "Heads up!"

Insert Police Squad theme here

SAVO becomes enraged and uses two hidden robot arms to grab the rat. He produces another arm holding a feather. Congrats, you've made it to the tickle scene.

After the reader gouges out their eyes After Squeeky apologizes under duress, SAVO drops Squeeky and the plot starts moving again. Kitty and Sully leave the room and prove my previous sentence wrong by talking about what military colleges their respective dads went to. Kitty's dad is a general in the US Army, leaving the reader to wonder if every Danger Ranger is a military nepo-baby. She tells Sully that her dad would crap Froot Loops if he knew they were dating. Apparently the Cattralls were the origin point for every joke involving Marines and crayons. Then they start packing for real this time. Hey, why's the Police Squad theme still playing?

Kitty walks in on a shirtless Sully dancing to the California state song. Why did Sully take off his shirt when he didn't need to? Because shut up. Kitty ogles him, then gets really weird and feels him up.

Time zones are the worst

Kitty and Sully eventually do go to San Diego and arrive at 10:25 São Paulo time. Why São Paulo time? The author specified that the time was according to the Papa military time zone, which covers the south and southeastern parts of South America.⁶ The proper military time zone for San Diego is Uniform.

Like Jesus worshipping a rodeo clown

When our two Danger Rangers get to the entrance gate of Naval Base San Diego, they encounter one of Sully's old friends, Mark. Mark cannot believe that Sully could possibly be a Danger Ranger because that's too high of a position for his buddy. I am not kidding you: The Danger Rangers apparently are just below the Secret Service in terms of importance. That defies the canon, where the Danger Rangers often let local authorities handle things above their pay grade.

The duo arrive at Sully's dad's house. Papa Sealford recognizes Kitty's last name from ❇️somewhere❇️ and she stops the plot for thirty minutes to explain her entire life story. The reader thanks the deity of their choice that the explanation deflated to a paragraph. Sully's dad then invites Kitty and Sully to eat pizza with him in an incredibly awkward way.

We repeat the first paragraph of this section with Sully's totally canon big Brother Sean after he walks through the front door. Sean gets Kitty and Sully to go on patrol with him, and his father to attend a broken vehicle. Kitty and Sully stop the plot again to smooch.

I'm just gonna show you the next moment of redundant writing, like how the author should show and not tell.

The Captain Planet episode handled this better

Sean drags Kitty and Sully to a Coast Guard hangar to brief them on their patrol assignment. They meet two very best friends, Nāṣir Ahmad and David Avraham. The narrative goes out of its own way to assure the reader that Ahmad and Avraham are the best of friends despite respectively coming from Palestine and Israël. The reader wonders whether the author believes such friendships don't happen. They also greet everyone by saying "Shalom" and "As-salāmu 'alaykum". I wish to beat the author with my diploma folder.

Sean shows off a special law enforcement boat, the SPC-LE. Sully briefly remembers what show he comes from, and dispenses advice about the use of life vests.

The last horse

While Sully, Kitty, and the Coast Guard bros are doing their thing, Burt works on the last Danger Ranger to be introduced, Fallbot. Fallbot is not based on any particular animal, and exists to make the smaller children laugh. Fallbot's design, in show canon, includes an alloy that makes him nigh invulnerable. Hold on to that last sentence, it will be important later.

Burt expresses concerns about Fallbot not saying his catchphrase or tripping over himself for a week. Fallbot responds by insulting himself. Burt notices he sounds like regular John Kassir. The cause of the change in personality and voice is a lightning strike Fallbot suffered in a clip show episode. They discuss whether to reboot Fallbot's CPU, but the robot decides to commit to the Flowers for Algernon bit and wait.

San Diego's finest come across a drunkard trying to drive a yacht and immediately resort to threatening to shoot him. After the guy pulls over, Avraham notices knocking coming from a secret compartment in the yacht's deck. Sean opens the door and reveals a half-dozen kidnapped children in various states of dishevelment. The girls all have wedding rings and some are pregnant, to add to the horror. A little raccoon boy decides now would be the time to undress himself while the reader and Sully consider stabbing out their mind's eyes.

The yacht's crew get arrested while Kitty and Sully discuss the ethics and morality of killing child abusers. The driver confesses to planning to sell the children to a gang in México and we end on a dramatic cliffhanger.

End of part one

The reader gets treated to an text-only version of the original Danger Rangers theme song which is uh. Uh. Very kid-friendly compared to what we just read. Just watch it.

Part 2: "Semper Fortis"

....will come in a second part. I don't want this to get as long as the fanfic. Thanks for reading!